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Ontology on the gone!

The Journal of the Lincoln Heights Literary Society
Miscellanea and Ephemeron

[Previous entry: "Trek Book Review: "The Case of the Colonist's Corpse" by Bob Ingersoll and Tony Isabella"] [Main Index] [Next entry: "Zine review: Decease"]

03/27/2004 Archived Entry: "Toy Review: Edwin Morose of Teddy Scares"

Meet Edwin Morose

Teddy Scares teddy bears.

Reviewed by Ginger Mayerson

Full disclosure: I never had a teddy bear as a child. I had a Raggedy Ann.

However, because I'm a serious person(TM) and have had a lot of coffee today, I'm not going to let my childhood stand in the way of reviewing this Teddy Scares teddy bear, called Edwin Morose.

This is an edgy concept bear for teens, the waning on the box reads: "13+ for the unlucky ages of 13 & up." Now, I realize that in a perfect world, every twelve year old would receive a VISA card with a $100,000 credit limit and this would be the consumer version of sending teens in to the woods naked to see if they come back and are allowed to join the tribe. However, we do not live in a perfect world, we live in a world where adults have all or most of the VISA cards and anxious parents ought to buy this bear in an attempt to connect with the Goth baby, that used to be their Angel baby, who listens to loud, creepy music (*see below) and will not come out of their room anymore. I seriously recommend that parents do buy this bear for their spawn. They got nothing to lose here. If the kid is going to scoff at something, well, at least let it be something as cool as these Teddy Scares.

These bears are pretty creepy, but creepy in a cuddly way, if that makes any sense at all. The theme of this line of bears is an attempt to answer the age old question: What happens to teddy bears after the child outgrows them? Well, obviously they become zombie bears. So, the box looks like it's been sitting in a leaky part of the attic for a few years. There's more information on the box, such as:

"Once soft and cuddly,
"now dead and bloody."

Not quite EA Poe, but it does scan. Kind of.

"As a child, your teddy bear was there to love and protect you from things that go bump in the night. Now you've become older and your toys have been long forgotten... but they never forget."

See? Guilt and fear; exactly what the collection companies use when that VISA bill goes too long unpaid. Which makes this a kind of educational toy as well.

"These once loyal stuffed friends have undergone a hideous transformation - these cannibalistic cadavers have returned from their graves to exact a bloody revenge."

Like I said: Zombie Bears. And there you have perfectly good tie-in with "Dawn of the Dead". Please notice how the serendipity and interconnectedness of all of life and commerce is in play here.

And the box gets even cooler (I know, I know, it's a box, but it's an IMPORTANT part of this reviewer's experience). Inside the box, there's more text, this time handwritten:

"For years I sat on the edge of your bed, listening to your dreams, getting soggy from your tears. Every day I comforted you and played - we were together forever, friends to the end. The little child grew old which turned into [illegible]. Then I'm left lying around on the floor, stuffed in a box, and shoved..." [The rest is behind the bear's head and I didn't feel like unmooring him from his domain.]

You know, we so seldom get to see it from the teddy bear's point of view.

Also in this box, there are more graphics, but they are a blurry, faded picture of the bear with the child who subsequently abandoned him. There's a faded daguerreotype of Theodore Roosevelt and an x-ray of a hand for some reason. I dunno, this box has more ambience than my whole apartment.

And then there is the bear, Edwin Morose, himself. He's a shade of dark rose in lush plush. So lush and soft, I was startled when my hand first brushed against his head, but I controlled myself (kind of). Clad in a stunning navy blue t-shirt with a broken heart on it, he carries black velvet roses in his right hand and a burlap bag, ostensibly containing a plush heart (no, I didn't look, but I believe what it says on The Box) in his left. And he's soooooo soft, it's like silk chenille after you've had champagne or something. Okay, okay, I'll put him back in the box, calm down. Oh! And there's a toe tag! Is that cute or what?!

And in closing, I can only say that this is the bear for these times and the times for these bears. I speak as a member of the generation that kind of missed the Beatles, got stuck with Elton John (*see above), and had to choose between Disco and Punk. A hardy lot, we infants of the 60s and teens of the 70s, our tastes and manners honed by adversity and the Bee Gees (*see above), which are the same thing, but we do, at the roots of our being, know from bears. After all, we had Yogi and Boo Boo as role models on TV and of course the incomparable Phil Harris voicing the greatest singing bear of all time in "Jungle Book":

"Look for the bare necessities
"The simple bare necessities
"Forget about your worries and your strife
"I mean the bare necessities
"Old Mother Nature's recipes
"That brings the bare necessities of life."

Only to be eclipsed by Louis Prima as the King of the Swingers. Sigh, there's always a bigger fish, isn't there? Alas, there are no lines of "Curious George in the Rue Morgue" or "Mighty Joe Sock Monkey" plush toys, are there? Are there?!

No wonder I've become obsessed with Edwin Morose of Teddy Scares. I will, however, try to find a more balanced reviewer to get a second opinion on this bear, upon which I have rendered the verdict: Fabulous! Utterly Fabulous! He's sooooooooo soft and... oh never mind.

Note: This bear is Wizard World LA 2004 swag. Thank you very much to Mr. Phil Nannay, President of Applehead Factory Design Studio,, for the Teddy Scares bear for review.

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